"Humungousaur" is our daily conversation

When we are having conversation with out friends, somehow your friends will say to you, "Hey! Your 'humungousaur' can be seen." BUT, you have no any idea what your friends are talking about? You will only look to the left and to the right, up and down without realizing. 

We will then started to think about 'Humungousaur' from Ben 10. However,  the 'Humungousaur' and the other 'humangousaur' shared some similarities.

The 'humungousaur' that our friends like to joke about is the bulge (for boys). When boys on the "hard mode", their bulges can be seen through their underwear and trousers or shorts. 

The term 'humungousaur' is in deed came from Ben 10 character, Humungousaur. According to several Ben 10 fans (those already in  teenage period) claimed that the character somehow is with bulge. 

'Humungousaur' that I heard was came from my previous workplace. Rafael claimed that he saw Reuben's humungousaur' while Reuben was sitting down on the floor. I was no idea with that term and decided to ask Rafael with it. The word was again heard few days ago when I was working and was said by some random person to describe other's bulge as well.

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Shaggy Dog Too Late to Cheer Up Dying Boy

NOVEMBER 13, 1995 | ISSUE 28•14

BOSTON—Terminally ill 5-year-old Timmy McWinn, formerly of Medford, MA, had one wish before his tragic death last week: to be visited one last time by Bruiser, the McWinn family’s loyal and devoted English Sheepdog. Bruiser was McWinn’s companion and best friend during the better part of his short life.

Bruiser, seen here two weeks before being accidentally
abandoned in Canada by the McWinns, trekked 3,500 miles
to see young Timmy (inset), but arrived too late,
finding the boy in his final death throes.

Unfortunately, the lumbering, lovable canine did not arrive in time to cheer up Timmy, and instead of making his last moments on Earth more bearable, he merely added to the uncontrollable agony and horror the boy felt during his final death throes.

“Bruiser was Timmy’s best pal and play friend,” Timmy’s father, James McWinn said. “He provided him with his only real moments of joy. So when we accidentally left the dog behind after a family trip to Canada, Timmy was understandably heartbroken.”

McWinn’s condition worsened after returning from Canada, victimized by a degenerative brain disease which slowly ate away at his mind. Doctors could find no cure, leaving Jimmy with one dream and one dream only: that one day, before he left this earth, he would once again hold Bruiser in his tiny arms.

Despite flyers, mailings, inquiries with Canadian mounted police and a posted reward, the McWinns’ efforts to locate Bruiser roundly failed. No word of the sheepdog’s whereabouts came to the anxious family.

“We’d given up hope,” McWinn said. “Until one day, well, I guess what you’d have to call a miracle occurred.”

According to McWinn, sketchy reports began to trickle in that a dog matching Bruiser’s description had been spotted making its way across the country to where the dying Timmy lay. Bruiser, driven only by his love, was making his way across a continent, just to be with his pal Timmy again.

The McWinns, as well as the hospital staff and a crowd of well-wishing onlookers, were overjoyed when a weathered, weary Bruiser arrived in the parking lot of Children’s Hospital. Eagerly, the group rushed Bruiser to be at Timmy’s side, but it was too late.

“Timmy was still alive, but his higher brain functions had deteriorated to the point where he could not recognize the dog,” said Dr. Dan Pangloss, McWinn’s physician. “When he saw the large dog’s slavering jaws, he felt only one thing—stark, heart-stopping terror.”

Timmy began screaming what onlookers originally mistook for cries of joy. Only after several minutes could they make out the child’s actual words.

“He was yelling, ‘Get it off me! Get it off me! Make giant monster go away!’” nurse Ellen Bram said. “I tried to push the dog closer to Timmy’s failing eyes so he could make out the dog’s face, but he only screamed louder, calling on mommy to save him from the hungry, hairy demon. I’ll never forget how his little voice trilled into a macabre falsetto of sheer, unbridled agony.”

Timmy’s eyes rolled up into his head, and his diminutive body was racked by a series of painful convulsions. Within moments, and well before the dog could be removed, he was dead.

“It’s safe to say his death could not have been more horrific,” a hospital spokeswoman said.

Bruiser was immediately shot, and the dog’s corpse beheaded for laboratory testing.

Source from: http://www.theonion.com/articles/shaggy-dog-too-late-to-cheer-up-dying-boy,20787/#enlarge

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Man With Broken Foot Plunged Into World Of Human Kindness, Caring

Morris says it's as though he's been transported to some
"alternate universe" of generosity.

MINNEAPOLIS—After an accident this past weekend in which he tripped down a flight of stairs and fractured a metatarsal in his left foot, sales analyst Tim Morris was suddenly thrown into a strange and unfamiliar world pervaded by human generosity and kindness.

According to Morris, 42, within seconds of the painful injury, he abruptly found himself immersed in a curious realm where compassion and consideration from other people was the norm, and fellow human beings exhibited an actual concern for his welfare without any thought of reciprocation.

"Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing or if there's anything else they can get me, anything at all," said Morris, appearing disoriented by the bizarre surge of human decency being directed toward him. "I went to the bank earlier and a total stranger actually stood there, smiled, and held the door for me for like 30 seconds. That's what it's like literally everywhere I go now."

"What is this place?" added Morris, gazing around in confusion.

While Morris confirmed that the people of this unusual new world look and sound exactly as they did in the world he hails from, he noted that their displays of unselfish kindness are completely unlike those he is accustomed to experiencing on a day-to-day basis.

Adding further confusion, Morris' family and friends have all paid visits to his apartment with seemingly no purpose other than to "check up" on him and help him around the house.

"My brother Brian came over earlier today with some homemade soup and told me to call him if I needed anything," said Morris, who could not remember the last time his sibling had done anything for him at all, much less offered to buy him groceries. "Just last month he said he was too busy to pick me up from the airport, and today he's washing my dirty dishes for me."

"Is that really you, Brian?" asked Morris, squinting at the man standing by his kitchen sink.

Morris also told reporters that people at his office who previously seemed unaware of his presence have suddenly begun treating him as if he were an actual person with feelings.

"My coworker Lisa offered to stop by my place and pick up some presentation materials I needed to bring to work," Morris said. "At first I actually thought it was a joke, and so I laughed. But then she was like, 'No, seriously, I'll swing by your apartment and grab them.' And then she did! I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it."

"Where I come from, people just don't do stuff like that," Morris added. "But here it happens all the time. "

Despite constantly waiting for someone to reveal a hidden motive or suddenly attempt to exploit him, Morris has so far faced nothing but kind words and benevolent actions from the people he has come across, an experience that has almost been too disorienting to handle.

"To be honest, it's almost too much, all of the empathy and charitableness," Morris said. "I guess it takes a while to get acclimated or something. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually."

As his fractured foot slowly heals, Morris' doctors have given him four to six weeks before he is spit back out into the cold and unfeeling abyss he came from. 

Source from: http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-with-broken-foot-plunged-into-world-of-human-k,20824/

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Another Boxing Hall Of Fame Induction Ends With Everyone Punching Each Other

CANASTOTA, NY—Though it started as a typical celebration of such boxing icons as Mike Tyson and Julio Cesar Chavez, last Sunday's International Boxing Hall of Fame induction ceremony once again devolved into a 200-person melee of hooks, jabs, and uppercuts, the event concluding in the same fashion it has throughout its 22-year existence. 

"There’s a lot of testosterone in that room to begin with, but then one person says the wrong thing to somebody else and the whole thing goes off pretty much on cue—people at the podium are punching each other, people in attendance are punching each other, and the whole room is basically one big boxing match," Hall of Fame director Ed Brophy told reporters, adding that before he was decked by Tyson, he got in a couple of pretty good shots on 68-year-old inductee Ignacio Beristain. 

“Sure, we broke some tables, stained some of the carpet with blood, and that one guy died on the way to the hospital, but it's the Boxing Hall of Fame. That's what happens here." Sylvester Stallone, also a 2011 inductee, was reportedly knocked out with one punch six seconds into the fight. 

Source from: http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/another-boxing-hall-of-fame-induction-ends-with-ev,20828/

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Cleveland Pathetically Celebrates Greatest Sports Moment In City’s History

CLEVELAND—As the Dallas Mavericks sealed their NBA Finals victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, the citizens of Cleveland participated in a joyous, exuberant, and extremely pathetic celebration of their city's greatest-ever sports moment.

"When I saw there were just two minutes left on the clock and there was no way LeBron could turn it around, I admit it—I started crying for pure joy," said emotionally misguided Cavaliers fan Randall Peterman, who watched the game on a huge projector screen in Gateway Plaza alongside thousands of other jubilant fans, all of whom seemed unaware that their feelings of triumph-by-proxy revealed deep flaws in their outlook not only on sports, but on life as a whole. “I am more proud of my hometown tonight than I have ever been.”

"This one's for the whole city [of Cleveland]," added Peterman, by all indications unaware of the shamefully absurd implications of appropriating another city's sports championship for one's own out of overblown, inarticulate feelings of betrayal. “Let’s go Mavs! Let’s go Mavs!”

Across the city, in bars and at Finals-watching parties, Cleveland sports fans erupted in a psychologically stunted caricature of joy at the sight of James, their former hero, slumped over in defeat. The celebration reportedly grew even sadder as Cleveland fans began referring to the Dallas team as the “Mavaliers,” and became almost impossible to bear after the erection of a billboard on Ohio’s Interstate 480 that said, “Congratulations, Mavericks.”

As of press time, no Cleveland resident has apologized for acting like an immature child.

"Eleven months ago, when that classless jerk had his TV special to announce he was taking his talent to South Beach, I swore I would cheer against him for the rest of my life," said bartender Michelle Vlasik, who seemed unaware that her response to James' move was at least as juvenile and self-defeating as anything James himself had done. "Ask anyone here tonight and they'll tell you they feel the same way."

“This completely makes up for Jordan’s shot over Ehlo,” Vlasic added in reference to a basketball game that actually involved the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Sources confirmed official responses from the Cleveland area have been just as spiritually bereft. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who had expected James to bring his team a championship, issued a statement that read, "This proves there are no shortcuts—none," as if the hard work put in by Dallas had been that of his own struggling organization. Moreover, Ohio governor John Kasich named the Mavericks honorary Ohioans with the issuing of a resolution as self-defeating as it was nonbinding.

"You have no idea how good it feels to be a Cleveland sports fan right now," said Gov. Kasich, to all appearances unaware of how condemning his statement was for a city that is home to three major sports franchises, none of which are directly responsible for the joy currently being experienced by said fans. “The people of Cleveland [seriously need to grow up and just get the fuck over it already].”

Though it has been five days since Dallas won the championship, fans across Cleveland have continued to react the way people would if their own team had won. Sales of merchandise for the Mavericks, a franchise located 1,000 miles away, is outselling Cavaliers apparel throughout Ohio. In addition, local hospitals have announced the birth of several baby boys named Dirk, and even a baby girl named Nowitzkee—all named after a man who has played basketball in the city of Cleveland maybe 20 times in his career, always on the opposing team.

Reports also indicated that grown men and women, unaware of what their bitter, shriveled souls have been reduced to, continued to high-five their coworkers at the mere mention of a young man losing a basketball championship.

"This is what Cleveland fans have been waiting for," Peterman said in a statement that is just jaw-droppingly sad. "We wouldn't have been able to bear the idea of LeBron winning a championship somewhere else, because that would mean he was right to leave Cleveland. And if this celebration proves anything, it’s that he definitely made a mistake.”

Source from: http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/cleveland-pathetically-celebrates-greatest-sports,20819/

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Stanley Cup Lauded For Work With Developmentally Disabled Trophies

NEW YORK—In recognition of its tremendous leadership and community work, the Stanley Cup was honored Wednesday for its dedication to helping developmentally disabled trophies.

The 118-year-old hockey award, which was presented with the Horace P. Norquist Prize during the annual Outstanding Award Achievement dinner, has worked with physically and mentally impaired trophies since 1963, and has increased the confidence and self-worth of such special-needs prizes as the FIFA World Cup, the Claret Jug, the Borg-Warner Trophy, the Wimbledon plate, and countless other mentally deficient medals and ribbons.

“The Stanley Cup is a pillar of the trophy community, working tirelessly for over 45-years to make a positive difference,” said event organizer Kenneth Hegland, who relayed an anecdote about how hockey’s most prestigious trophy only needed to spend 15 minutes with the FedEx Cup before golf’s season-ending award became much less insecure about its various cognitive and emotional disabilities. “While the volunteer efforts are impressive, what is truly inspiring is the encouragement and hope the Stanley Cup has given thousands of developmentally handicapped trophies throughout the world.”

“The Stanley Cup teaches them to be themselves and emphasizes that all trophies are special trophies,” Hegland added. “It’s so heartwarming to see the way those awards light up when the Stanley Cup is wheeled into the room.”

According to the event program, the Stanley Cup began helping special-needs trophies after seeing how they were unfairly ridiculed simply because they “looked a little funny” or were different from the rest. The patience it showed while working with the Kentucky Derby’s garland of roses—an extremely low-functioning award—was, speakers confirmed, proof of how serious the cup was about the cause.

Throughout the evening, the 3-foot metal trophy was repeatedly praised for encouraging developmentally disabled awards to meet their full potential and be the best reward they can be.

“The Stanley Cup deserves a lot of credit, because, I’ll be honest with you, I wouldn’t have had the patience to continuously work with an honor as limited in its mental faculties as Rickey Henderson’s Hall of Fame plaque,” said Janet Kempley, co-chair of the Norquist Prize selection committee. “But that’s what the Stanley Cup does. It single-handedly boosted the self-esteem of the Wimbledon plate and made it feel like an important accomplishment even when a lot of people were making fun of it with derogatory comments. And look at it now. It’s very prestigious for tennis.”

“The Stanley Cup could sit back and rest on its laurels, but no, it gets outs there and provides support to every mentally disabled prize from the America’s Cup to the 1983 bronze medal for discus,” Kempley added. “It even took the time to help a little-known eighth-place Little League trophy from Dayton, OH. It didn’t have to do that.”

According to keynote speaker Gary Bettman, the Stanley Cup’s greatest role has been changing societal attitudes about intellectually challenged trophies and getting people to understand that many of them have faced brutal neglect, been called terrible names from the moment they were first awarded, and, in some cases, been victims of physical and sexual abuse. Bettman said the Stanley Cup has made a lasting impact, adding that before it became an advocate for the rights of physically and mentally impaired awards, it wasn’t taboo for people to call them “stupid” or mock them for their abnormal shapes.

“Years ago, people were cruel to developmentally disabled trophies because they felt like they weren’t really awards. Some even thought they should just be locked up forever in some trophy case somewhere,” Bettman said. “The Stanley Cup raised awareness by pointing out that just because you are the WBC title belt or the green jacket doesn’t mean you are freakish or ‘spazzy,’ but a prize just as good as the World Series and Larry O’Brien trophies of the world.”

“People used to call the Breeder’s Cup Trophy retarded all the time and never thought twice about it,” Bettman continued. “Not anymore.”

Source from: http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/stanley-cup-lauded-for-work-with-developmentally-d,20715/

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Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play

The destroyed farm, where families once sent their ailing dogs to romp and be free.

RAVENA, NY—Authorities confirmed a four-alarm blaze tore through the countryside Sunday, burning down a picturesque farm where thousands of sick and elderly dogs had been sent by parents who wanted their children's beloved pets to have lots of room to run around and play.

The farm, which for decades had provided a home to infirm canines and allowed them to live out their days romping happily in the fresh air, was decimated by the flames, and officials confirmed 3,000 animals either choked to death on the thick, acrid smoke or were burned alive.

"There were no survivors—none," said county sheriff Patrick Calnan, who struggled to keep his emotions in check as he pointed to acres of melted squeak toys and pile after pile of charred golden retrievers and tiny Pomeranian corpses. "The saddest part is that all of these dogs, because they had been having so much fun outdoors in the bright sunshine with their doggy friends, had been getting healthier and healthier before the fire hit."

"They had so many happy years up at the farm, but it certainly wasn't worth the excruciating deaths they endured," continued Calnan, holding a scorched collar that read "Buster." "You can see by the tags here that this dog used to belong to someone named Cody Harrington of Brockton, MA. If only Cody hadn't been so allergic to ol' Buster, his faithful pup would still be alive today."

The sheriff also said he was awaiting forensic results on two sets of severely blackened remains found inside the gutted farmhouse and believed to be those of the old farmer and his wife, both of whom reportedly loved all the dogs very much and fed them whatever they wanted and gave every single one of them belly scratches each night.

According to neighbors, in the moments before the fire struck, all of the dogs were wagging their tails in delight and playfully chasing one another around the barn.

Lives cut short by the fire.

"I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of terrified howling," said Greta Landry, 79, who lives down the road from the farm. "Those poor, trapped dogs were barking so desperately, almost as if they were calling out for the little boys and girls who used to care for them when they were younger, but no one ever came."

While the cause of the fire remains unknown, investigators said the dogs' favorite fetching sticks served as kindling for the initial flames, causing the blaze to spread rapidly, with no dog able to scamper away from the raging inferno in time.

Authorities noted that scores of formerly beloved parakeets, goldfish, and adorable floppy-eared bunnies also burned to death.

At press time, officials at nearby Memorial Hospital confirmed that, in addition, a dozen adult males died in the fire, all of them loving fathers who had gone out to the store several years earlier and were just on their way back home with big presents for their children when they saw the fire and tried to save the trapped dogs.

"By the time we got there, the property was engulfed in towering 90-foot flames, but you could still hear the dogs whimpering and pawing futilely at the barn door," Ravena fire chief Adam Lesser said. "It's going to be tough calling all the previous owners and telling them how their old pets died."

Added Lesser, "To be honest, we'll probably spare everyone the grisly details and just say we were forced to euthanize them."

Source from: http://www.theonion.com/articles/fire-consumes-big-happy-farm-where-families-send-s,20641/?utm_source=recentnews

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Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave

The Earth says events like this should have made it "pretty obvious" what it's been driving at.

EARTH—According to a statement released to the press Tuesday, the planet Earth has "just about run out of ways" to let its roughly 6.9 billion human inhabitants know it wants them all to leave.

Following a recent series of disastrous floods along the Mississippi River and destructive tornadoes across much of the United States—as well as a year of even deadlier natural catastrophes all over the world—the Earth said its options for strongly implying that it no longer wants human beings living on it have basically been exhausted.

"At this point, I think I've stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly," the Earth's statement to all of humanity read in part. "I haven't exactly been subtle about it, you realize. I have literally tried to drown you, crush you, starve you, dehydrate you, pump you full of diseases, and suck your homes and families into swirling vortices of death. Honestly, what more is it going to take for you people to get the message?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" the statement continued. "Get the fuck out of here. I want you to leave now."

The Earth says all it can do at this point is keep
manufacturing disasters and hope humanity finally "wises up."

The statement went on to list thousands of incidents in 2011 alone that the Earth claimed were "solely and unmistakably" designed to inform the human race that it might be time to move on, including the devastating tsunami that caused thousands of deaths in Japan, an earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand, that killed an estimated 181 people, and historic rainstorms in Colombia that destroyed entire communities with deadly landslides.

The planet Earth also singled out an ongoing drought in China that has left more than 2.3 million people with a shortage of fresh water as "a pretty big goddamned tip-off, wouldn't you say?"

While the Earth had hoped the human race might finally "get the picture" following one of the harshest winter storm years in recorded history, it instead found that people simply went on with their lives, occasionally making reference to disaster victims in their thoughts and prayers but showing no intention whatsoever of preparing themselves for a long trip through the far reaches of space to find a new home.

"I know your species has developed the technology to leave me, I've seen you use it before, so I'm asking you now, please, just take the hint already," read another excerpt from the Earth's statement, which added that it would really be best for all concerned if humanity were to "trundle off to some other biosphere for a while." "You can't possibly be enjoying this, can you? Honestly, you would have to be completely deranged or masochistic to continue staying here."

Immediately after delivering the statement, the Earth ignited a series of wildfires throughout the world's arid regions.

Though some scientists have responded to Earth's message with theories as to precisely what the planet might be trying to communicate, most firmly acknowledged that further study would be required before any definitive evidence could be gleaned from the "fascinating" statement.

"Certainly these utterances from the Earth are strongly worded, but at this point it is difficult to say whether they speak to a larger trend or are simply a bio-geological anomaly," Dr. Roger Summons of MIT said. "While there seems to be an implication that the Earth wants us to go away and never come back, I, for one, can't say conclusively from either a geochemical or a meteorological standpoint whether this is in fact the case."

In a sharp rebuke to both the planet and the mainstream scientific community, Republican leaders in Congress responded this week with a scathing critique of what they deemed to be the Earth's "pathetic and extremist viewpoints."

"What we're seeing here is the same old scientific mumbo jumbo and partisan rhetoric that the Earth has been spewing out for millennia," Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) said. "We're not going to be bullied by a celestial body that has time and again failed to deliver on its promise to glorify and reward mankind with its bounty."

Immediately following these statements from the human race, the Earth emitted a loud sigh, which shifted multiple tectonic plates and caused massive earthquakes on five continents.

Source from: http://www.theonion.com/articles/planet-earth-doesnt-know-how-to-make-it-any-cleare,20639/#enlarge

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Church Cancelled Due to Lack of God

The Church of Holy Christ In Heaven
will soon change its name to the
Church of Imaginary Make-Believe Land.

The South—Parishioners of Pastor Theo Leobald’s First Congregational Church of Holy Christ In Heaven will not meet next Sunday morning for a coffee social and morning Bible study as they do every week, gathering in fellowship and offering thanks and praise to God on high. The reason for the cancellation? Simply the fact that, according to Leobald, God does not now, has never, and will never exist.

When asked why he is convinced of God’s nonexistence, Leobald became visibly irritated with reporters.

“What’re you, an illiterate peasant? Aren’t you familiar with 20th century thinking at all? Christ, read a book, or maybe just think about the idea for a minute. Pretty ridiculous, huh?” he said.

When pressed, however, he sighed heavily, and explained that thousands of years ago, tribes of nomadic desert peoples made up God because, being incapable of scientific reasoning due to caveman-like existences, they had no other way of making sense of things like sunshine, rocks and pork-transmitted trichinosis.

“They made it all up, and they were ignorant, unwashed, half-naked pre-historic barbarians,” Leobald said. “So who are you gonna believe: Carl Sagan, and the pantheon of the world’s greatest scientific and intellectual minds, or some guy who measured wealth by how many goats he had?”

Sagan, according to Leobald, is an “astronomer” in a big city far, far away who writes what are known as “books.”

“I just felt like an idiot saying all that nonsense week in, week out. What’s the point of singing hymns of joyous adoration to a fictional entity?” Leobald said.

“Why convene to donate time, money and personal resources to a being which exists only in fabulous legends and mythological ancient texts? If we were to keep doing that, week after week, why, we’d feel ridiculous, wouldn’t we? Plus, we’d look pretty stupid as well. It’d be like talking to a wall, and frankly, I’ve got better things to do with my time. And I sincerely hope all of you do too.”

Although reactions among community members to Leobald’s decision have been varied, most have been positive.

“I never really liked getting up that early on the weekend anyway, but continued to do so out of gripping fear of having my entrails eternally ripped out by flaming scimitars after death,” Gregory H. Tensdale, 51, said. “But now that I know it’s all just pretend, I am no longer terrified.”

Tensdale concluded by adding that the uncomfortable dress-up clothes he has always detested will be on the trash heap by sundown, and that he fully expects to stay clad only in underwear until well after the game on Sundays from now on.

“I enjoyed the lovely singing during church service, and was very sad to see it go, particularly because I am a lonely septuagenarian waiting to die,” Mabel Graskowsky, 78, said. “But then Pastor explained to me that there are groups who get together just for singing only, and I could go to any one I wanted whenever I wished. Just singing! None of that boring inbetween stuff I always slept through. I’m much happier now.”

Not all opinions were as supportive.

“Who cares if God isn’t real? I say worship him anyway,” School Board Member Fred Nichtenhausen said. “After all, every grown-up man and woman knows Santa Claus isn’t real, yet we worship him every year on Christmas, the Holy Day of Santa’s birth, as prophesied by Nostradamus.”

Added junior high school student Curt Mondaham, who was unimpressed with the pastor’s speech, “Big deal. He’s just saying the same thing Neil Peart’s been saying for years.”

For those who still want to worship, if not God, but just something, Leobald has started a Sunday morning group called The Church of Imaginary Make-Believe Land, where churchgoers will have their choice of nonexistent beings to submit to. Some of the worship selections include Poseidon, super-agent James Bond and fabled storybook character Peter Pan. “I’m worshipping Peter Pan,” Gladys Fye, 108, said. “I do so love his adorable little pointed green shoes. Oh, that Tinkerbell with her magic dust!”

For his part though, Leobald says he will not be attending.

“I’m meeting once a week, not Sundays but on Wednesdays, with anyone who cares to join me. We won’t be worshipping anybody, just practicing my favorite hobby, horticulture. I’ll admit, it doesn’t have the power to grant eternal absolution from earthly pain, but at least flowers are real. We must cultivate our garden.”

Enlightenment Era polymath Voltaire contributed to this article. JANUARY 15, 1996

Source from: http://www.theonion.com/articles/church-cancelled-due-to-lack-of-god,20563/#enlarge

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Humorous Stories

"I made a terrible mistake" says Heir to British Throne.

Prince William Divorces Kate Middleton After 5 Weeks

LONDON — Barely a month after marrying 29-year-old Kate Middleton in a royal wedding ceremony watched by an estimated 2 billion people worldwide, Prince William announced Tuesday that he and Middleton have divorced and that the entire marriage was "a tremendous mistake in every possible regard."

"I really don't know what I was thinking — we're a terrible match, I don't love her and never have, and, to be honest, I never really had any interest in being married in the first place," announced the now unattached Prince William to a dead-silent British press corps.

"People thought our wedding was some sort of fairy tale, but I assure you it was all just some ghastly ceremonial farce that got out of hand. I'm just relieved it's over, frankly. And I'm glad I'll never have to see that awful woman again."

Prince William then told the assembled reporters, "Well, see you all later," smiled, and walked back into Buckingham Palace.

Source: The Onion: America's Finest News Source

Malaysian activist to apologise 100 times on Twitter in defamation settlement

A MALAYSIAN social activist was being forced today to tweet an apology to a magazine 100 times in a bizarre defamation settlement, the Digital Journal reported.

Fahmi Fadzil agreed to the punishment after lawyers for Female Magazine took action against him in January over claims he made on Twitter. Fadzil had accused the magazine of unfairly treating his pregnant female friend, who was employed by the company.

"17/100 I've DEFAMED Blu Inc Media & Female Magazine. My tweets on their HR Policies are untrue. I retract those words & hereby apologize," his latest apology tweet said.

Fadzil agreed to spread the 100 tweets over three days, from today until Saturday.

The tweets were gaining Fadzil notoriety on his Twitter account, with many followers tweeting their support. The tweet trend #defahmi was also gaining ground Thursday, with some commentators questioning the magazine's legal move.

"They thought they got a good deal, but instead turned themselves into laughingstocks. Fahmi Fadzil, you genius #defahmi," one tweeted.

Source: news.com.au

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Tahukah anda?

1.Tahukah anda apabila 350ml air yang diambil dari sinki dan kemudiannya dituangkan ke dalam cerek yang mengandungi 150ml air suling dan dibiarkan terdedah kepada nyalaan api bersuhu 100 darjah celcius akan menghasilkan satu cecair yang dinamakan air masak.

2. Percayakah anda yang air sirap merupakan salah satu bahan asas dalam pembinaan sebuah helikopter. Ini kerana kajian telah dibuat, seorang pembina helikopter memerlukan air sirap untuk menghilangkan keletihan semasa membuat helikopter, tanpa air sirap mungkin helikopter tersebut tidak dapat disiapkan.

3. Sebuah kereta yang dipandu selaju 220 km/j tidak akan dapat memotong kereta yang dipandu selaju 40 km/j sekiranya kereta-kereta tersebut dipandu dari arah yang bertentangan

4. Tahukah anda dalam bahasa Inggeris dan ….Italy…., jurugambar dikenali sebagai paparazzi. Perkataan itu dipercayai diambil dari watak paparazzo dalam filem La Dolce Vita yang diterbitkan oleh Federico Fellini pada tahun 1960. Dalam bahasa Melayu pula, ayah kepada seorang budak yang bernama Razzi juga boleh dikenali dengan nama papa Razzi.

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British English vs. Malaysian English

British English vs. Malaysian English Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.
 
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
 Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have
 the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a
 moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

 Malaysians: No stock.

RETURNING A CALL
 Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me
 a few moments ago?

 Malaysians: Hello, who call?


 ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
 Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you
 please make way?

 Malaysians: S-kuse me.

 WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
 Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible
 for me to enter through this door?

  Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?


 WHEN ENTERTAINING
 Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

 Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!

 WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
 Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

 Malaysians: Where got?

 WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
 Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't
 mind.

  Malaysians: Don't want lah.
 
 WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
 Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice?
 I'm trying to concentrate over here.

 Malaysians: Shut up lah!

 WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
 Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the
 moment.

 Malaysians: Die lah!!
 
 WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
 Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show
 you..

 Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!

 WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
 Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?

 Malaysians: Celaka you!

###

Source from: http://liliyusoff-ikhlas2u.blogspot.com/

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Kids

1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 

1.	Don't change horses	until they stop running.
2.	Strike while the	bug is close.
3.	It's always darkest before	Daylight Saving Time.
4.	Never underestimate the power of	termites.
5.	You can lead a horse to water but	How?
6.	Don't bite the hand that	looks dirty.
7.	No news is	impossible
8.	A miss is as good as a	Mr.
9.	You can't teach an old dog new	Math
10.	If you lie down with dogs, you'll	stink in the morning. = ;
11.	Love all, trust	Me.
12.	The pen is mightier than the	pigs.
13.	An idle mind is	the best way to relax.
14.	Where there's smoke there's	pollution.
15.	Happy the bride who	gets all the presents.
16.	A penny saved is	not much.
17.	Two's company, three's	the Musketeers.
18.	Don't put off till tomorrow what	you put on to go to bed.
19.	Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and	You have to blow your nose.
20.	There are none so blind as	Stevie Wonder.
21.	Children should be seen and not	spanked or grounded.
22.	If at first you don't succeed	get new batteries.
23.	You get out of something only what you	See in the picture on the box
24..	When the blind lead the blind	get out of the way.
25.	A bird in the hand	is going to poop on you.

                      And the WINNER and last one!    

26..

Better late than

Pregnant

From: Sir W.S. Tiew

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